More Than You'll Know
by marcasite
Summary: He doesn't allow the passage of time to diminish the emptiness, the waves of pain allow him remember that he is capable of feeling something.  Ben, Ben/Leslie


Ugh, the angst! This turned out a bit...sadder than I originally planned. Thank you, Kara, for reading this over.

* * *

><p><em>But every step I take that leads me away<em>  
><em>Just circles back to your door.<em>  
><em>Wishing I didn't love you anymore<em>

It's been two weeks and the edge of bitterness is still as sharp as it had been the day she walked away from him. He doesn't want the pain to go away, instead basking in the cold anger that is simmering slowly inside. He wants the pain, wants the anger because the alternative is to let the rejection bear him down in self-pity. He doesn't allow the passage of time to diminish the emptiness, the waves of pain allow him remember that he is capable of feeling something.

He remembers the way she avoided him the night and days after Lil's Sebastian's memorial. Granted, it seemed like there had been a million things going on at work in the days after the service (don't ask him about Ron's wife or mother or sister or whatever they were) but in the few months that they had been dating, there had been very few moments that he couldn't catch up with Leslie. Even after Ron caught them meeting up in the office, he knew that it be easy to find a way to spend time together.

He had known something wasn't right, but looking back he should have anticipated how bad things really were. The way she avoided his phone calls, the vague greetings at work, the missed lunches and hurried glances. He should have known.

But he didn't. Not really.

What gets him, what really gnaws at him is, that he found out about Leslie's campaign at the exact same time everyone else did. His surprised must have been transparent on his face because she had refused to look at him. He's hurt that she hadn't told him privately, that she didn't think that was something he would want to share with her. It's two clicks before it even dawns on him _what_she had been avoiding. He doesn't remember even leaving the room (he couldn't find it in himself to celebrate at that moment).

His gut had twisted as he wondered if this is how Leslie Knope breaks up with him. In a room full of people and without saying the words. She's good at avoidance, he acknowledges, probably even the best. That's the moment the bitterness starts to settle over him and he can feel the waves of anger wash over him.

He thought that he deserved better treatment than this and it was a bitter pill to swallow. So now, it had become his turn to avoid her. He rarely made his way to the Parks and Recreation office, sending notes through April to Ron. He ignored her phone calls and made it a point to delete her messages. They were all the same and he didn't want to listen to them at all.

_I'm sorry, so sorry. I just didn't know how…what to say. This isn't how I wanted to tell you but you understand why? Right? Well…um, please call me. I thought, maybe….I thought that we could…(sigh) I just thought that of everyone, you would understand that this is something I've waited for my whole life. Here it is and I how could I not…not do this._

The irony is that he really is happy for her, that he wants her to win and be successful. He knows that she is capable of so much and carries so much passion for this, she would be perfect on the city council. The irony is that he wants her to be able to have it all, a political career that she's waited for and maybe even that love that's eluded her. There's the irony, happy and bitter; love and hate.

What makes him bitter, what makes him angry; is that she didn't care enough about him to talk to him about it. They were in a relationship and it wasn't a discussion between them at all. He wonders _if_ they had discussed their options, _if_she had come to him with her dilemma would he have been willing to leave his job? Find another job, taken a different reporting position?

He knows he would have, for her. But she took that choice away from them. All by herself.

Technically, she had never gathered the courage to break up with him face to face. It was inferred at in her voice messages and the sympathetic glances he would get from Ann in the hallways. He wondered why he had invested so much of his feelings into her when to him, it was obvious that she didn't reciprocate his feelings as deeply.

Just another lost question he has for Leslie Knope, amongst hundreds.

Two weeks and the hurt hasn't faded, two weeks and he still cringes awkwardly at the sight of her. As the Parks Department gears up to help with the campaign, he finds that it's become easier and easier to avoid the entire area. Avoidance provides him a small measure of relief. He just hadn't factored in how determined Leslie Knope can be when she wants something.

Two weeks and he should have expected a confrontation sooner or later. He was hoping for later, much later. He sees the cascade of blonde hair heading towards him the hallway and he really isn't subtle when he spins on his heels and heads back the way he came.

"Ben! Do you have a sec?" Her voice carries down the hallway.

"Yeah…just a second though." He gestures towards Chris's office, "I have…have a meeting with Chris."

"Really? You just left his office, I saw you come out of there."

His voice is cold, "Just a second, Leslie. What do you need?"

She blinks at him, startled by the firmness in his tone. She stumbles over her words, surprised by the bitterness in his tone, "Well…I…I wanted to catch up with you…"

"Regarding?"

She's used to his awkward charm and quiet voice and this Ben is unnerving her, "I thought you and I could talk? About this, about us?"

"So…there's no us so we really don't have anything to discuss there and since the Parks Department rolls into my area, I think it's best we keep things at work…about work." He's proud of himself, proud that he's able to keep his composure because he sees the hurt in her eyes, sees the way she looks at him pleading.

And knows, that he would go through this all again for her if she asked him to.

"Ok then. Ok." She turns and starts to walk away. Before she goes, she turns back to him, "Ben? Do you think I can win?"

"Yes, yes I do and I think you'll be fantastic." He gives a smile and is rewarded by hers, a bright smile that makes the ice inside start to melt.

She throws over her shoulder as she walks away, "Don't think this is over, Ben. I don't give up that easily."

And with six words, she gives him a little bit of hope. Hope that eases the burden of his pain and gives him something else to live with.

He's not entirely sure he's happy with that.

.end

_A bitter heart steals more than you know_


End file.
